to begin again
13.02.09
putting down roots
It has been 3.5 years since my brother and I parted ways, leaving behind our apartment in Edmonton. While Terry began his career as an English teacher to South Korea, I took a short sabbatical in Europe.
Since my return, I have made my home in my father’s house, or by renting out a room. Those have been good times, but I am glad to be starting 2009 with a place to call my own.
My new suite is 30 walking minutes from work. Though not huge, it feels open, and comes with plenty of natural light.
After unpacking all that I had kept, I found myself without a lot of necessities. In the material sense, I am starting again…
taking ground
Back in May 2007, I joined the HR department of Power to Change for 4 months. Then IT hired me on for 6 months. After that, their humanitarian arm asked me to work with them for 2 months, which became the last 7.
Working short-term has kept “what’s next?” at the forefront of my mind. Next month, how will I make a living (חי)? Settling down was my way of fighting that sense of insecurity, operating as though I am here to stay.
Hopefully so, this was my fifth move since coming to BC, which hasn’t always been the best for my sense of belonging. How does one befriend the wind?
poison ivy
Thirty-one, single, disillusioned.
In today’s society, it is very difficult to believe that a relationship can endure. My upbringing was marked by divorce, my parents have both gone through separations since. Might be why I never dated all through school.
This week marks the two-year anniversary of my last relationship ending. Left detached, the shell came down full force. I was unwilling to risk my heart again, while growing more and more envious of the young couples who had.
Envy kills. When another’s happiness fuels our discontentment, we isolate ourselves for “our own protection.” It’s no way to live.
slow death
Career anxiety and the lonesomeness are but minor inconveniences on the grand scale of tragedy that befalls humankind.
“As we make our journey through this life, so many pieces of ourselves die along the way,” writes Rabbi Naomi Levy in To Begin Again.
What is lost is often deep within our soul. Dreams, innocence, trust, enthusiasm, hope… To Begin Again has caused me to stop, to give mind to my injured soul.
I have carried a nagging sense of guilt since my Grandpa passed on. Friends and family came to visit and pray for him in the hospital. He looked like he would recover. One evening I brought some olive oil from the Holy Land, but then left without actually praying. I felt awkward, inadequate, I don’t know. He got steadily worse after that.
Naomi writes, “Our guilt tells us that we are the cause. It allows us to feel powerful…”
Often I find ways to blame myself, maybe it has been an unwillingness to face the uncontrollable chaos of our world?
Through all this, I did come to realize one thing. Prayer really is for us. In that which we cannot control, our responsibility is to leave it in God’s hands, freeing ourselves from the outcome.
flood
Naomi Levy’s father was murdered when she was fifteen. When her world was shattered, she lost her ability to trust God:
“The omnipotent God I had always believed in no longer seemed compatible with the tragic reality I now faced.”
I struggle with this too. We live in an unpredictable world. Tragedy befalls people every day, a tsunami shows no partiality. Why doesn’t God prevent it? The story of Noah illustrates how order falls back to chaos:
“God looked at all that had been created and saw that nothing had turned out as planned… God decided to start over again with perfect order, with Noah and the ark and every animal two by two.”
God is outraged with the injustices of the world, but imposing perfect order just doesn’t last. Instead God joins us in the storms of life. He feels our sorrow, He knows our pain1, and He carries us through.
rain
Consider Joseph, betrayed by his brothers, enslaved, imprisoned. Hardly seems fair. Yet “the LORD was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did.” 2
When reunited with the brothers, his eyes would not allow him to hold his life-long grudge:
“[Joseph's] tears removed the callousness from his heart. They gave him the capacity to forgive, to feel, to love, to be affectionate once more.”
Love is always worthwhile, even if it doesn’t turn out the way we hope. There is something to learn, something of how God loves, of how God aches. Once you’ve felt someone walk away from your love, it’s not hard to imagine how God feels when we do the same.
When I picture God, He seems sad. So often shunned by the life His very hands formed.
resolve
To Begin Again has stirred up buried emotions, helping me come to terms with the hardships of my past, and recognize that I’m not the only one.
I hope you will join me in resolving To Begin Again this year. Not only physically, but soulfully as well.
created to bring change
Our Campus ministry has handed out Erwin McManus’ Soul Cravings two years in a row. Over Christmas I decided to take a look. One of my favorite quotes is:
“By changing us, [God] can change the world.”
As God changes our own hearts this year, let’s not shy away from sharing that change with others. So much is ever-changing, but not all change is beneficial.
This week I signed a contract to build an updated powertochange.org web site by Mother’s Day. We have a great little marketing team working on the messaging of an organization in flux.
Our team and our organization appreciate your prayers.